If Only Half of This Was True. (Code Geass)

[allira-dream.livejournal.com]

Title: If Only Half of This Was True.
Fandom: Code Geass.
Warnings: Spoilers for the whole anime, AU, incest.
Characters/couples: Lelouch/Euphemia, Lelouch/Milly, Lelouch/C.C., Lelouch/Shirley, Lelouch/Suzaku.
Summary: Five first times that Lelouch never had.
Rating: R/NC17
Notes: Written for cliche_bingo: Five Things.

If Only Half of This Was True.
And after all that we've been through
Now I'm wondering
If you still blame me
If only half of this was true
That you believe of me
You still shame me
"You Still Touch Me", Sting

-1-

Euphemia sighs, feeling the way Lelouch plays with her hair. She settles her head over his shoulder, her hand on his chest. Her index follows the tempo of his heart against the sharp lines of his collarbone.

“I should be the one sulking,” Lelouch murmurs, his lips brushing her forehead, making her almost smile. “You are the one leaving to Area Eleven, sister.”

“I know,” she murmurs, snuggling closer, so that her nose is against Lelouch's neck, the faint scent of his aftershave familiar. “I'm grateful to Cornelia and Clovis for the chance, but...”

“But?” Lelouch prompts, moving his hand from her hair to her waist, simply holding her, for which she's grateful.

“It should have been you, Lelouch,” Euphemia murmurs. “You'd be much better at it.”

“Clovis and I tend to compete far too much for us to be able to govern the same land at the same time,” Lelouch says, and she can hear the fondness in his voice, can almost see the way Lelouch rolls his eyes at the idea. “One of us would end up dead, mark my words.”

“Don't be macabre,” Euphemia chides, pinching his side.

That makes Lelouch pinch her waist too, and she laughs, pinching his side again, and soon Lelouch is tickling her and she's trying to do the same, but they end up with her on her back once more Lelouch between her legs again. He's half hard again, but he makes no movement other than settle against her, hands crossed just bellow her breasts so that he can rest his chin there.

“But I'll visit you, if I can. We both will, Nunally and I. I'll even get Schneizel to stop working for a few days and we'll visit you over there.”

Euphemia smiles, moving her hand to touch his hair. Lelouch leans against her hand, brushing his lips against her wrist, and she wonders if she should find it strange, that even this already feels familiar, that already she thinks she's going to miss the chance to talk to Lelouch like this, when this is the first time they do it.

“Nunally always did want to go back, after Schneizel brought us back,” Lelouch muses, a distant look upon his eyes. Euphemia knows that he has never forgiven their father for sending him and Nunally there on the first place, but she is ever so thankful that father allowed them to come back, because the idea of having lost them there makes her feel sick. “I did, as well, at a point.”

“Because of your friend?” She asks, softly.

“Yes,” Lelouch sighs, and Euphemia can't really move closer, but she moves her hand to touch his shoulder, trying to coax him up. “Suzaku. You would have liked him, I think.”

“He's your friend,” she says, closing her eyes in a gasp as Lelouch moves again. “Of course I would.”

Lelouch follows her whim, and he moves against her, inside her, and they both sigh, even as Euphemia moves her legs around his hips, wrapping his arms around his neck. Lelouch is alive by nothing short of a miracle, and she's so thankful for that, for this, for him,

-2-

Milly dresses without hurry, not really caring if Lelouch sees her naked or not. It is, he supposes, rather inconsequential to care about that right now. The sheets are a mess, and the condom is on the waste basket.

“My hair is completely messed up,” Milly complains as she looks at the mirror before she simply gives up, bending to pick up her socks and her bra. If she was anyone else - and if he was anyone else - he would think that she was trying for him to see her breasts, but the movement doesn't come as flirting, which is also to be expected.

Lelouch is rather more upset about the wrinkles on his clothes, but he has decided to cut off the rest of the classes and go back to his rooms.

“Still gay?” he asks Milly, offering some modesty as he keeps his back to her. Lelouch thinks Milly would laugh at it if he actually offered, so he simply dresses in silence, aching for a bath.

“Pretty much,” she chirps, and it sounds like she's smiling. “What about you?”

“Eh,” Lelouch says, not agreeing or disagreeing, letting Milly make up her own answer. It's another inconsequential thing, his sexuality or lack of there of, or he would rather say his lack of interest in the subject. Still, he knows better than to even imply that.

The bed creaks and he looks over his shoulder. Milly has laid down on the bed again, wearing her skirt , her socks and her bra, but her shirt is open and her jacket is still on the floor.

Lelouch sits by her side again, crossing his legs. He fingers the strands of her honey blonde hair.

“Your hair is going to get messier like this,” he chides, but he offers a small smile to answer this almost friendship of theirs. Something comes out of Milly being the one person who knows him, almost.

“Eh,” Milly shrugs, copying his previous answer before she looks at him. “You don't mind if I tell my parents about this, right?”

“What exactly?”

“You're gayer than a may pole and you think girls have cooties,” Milly answers. “I mean, they're almost over their idea that you'll go back to being a noble, so it shouldn't be too hard to make them drop their idea of us marrying.”

“Won't that make things harder for you?” he asks, mildly concerned.

Milly shrugs again and she grins before she sits up, leaning against his side a little. “They're already searching for a better noble than you, Lelouch. No offense.”

“Non-taken,” Lelouch rolls his eyes and he stands up, finishing with the buttons on his jacket. “Say what you must, Milly, I don't care.”

“Mmm, yes, I know,” he turns to look at Milly, something strange in her voice, but she has turned towards the rest of her clothes. “Go ahead and play hooky, I still have to fix the mess that is my hair.”

-3-

And suddenly, out of nowhere, Lelouch finds himself without covers and with C.C. trying to use as much room in the bed as she could.

“Do you have to keep on doing that?” Lelouch asks, trying to focus, yawning, turning to face her. “There are plenty enough rooms where you can sleep.”

“I don't like them,” C.C. says, still taking most of the covers with her, voice sleepy and almost not there.

Lelouch sighs, counting to see if he can be patient even though it's four A.M. and he would really, really like to go back to sleep.

“At least don't take all of the blankets,” he says, pulling, but C.C. keeps her hold on them before she let's go, almost throwing him off the bed with that.

But instead she rolls over with the blankets he has acquired, and her breasts press against him. She's naked again, and she moves languidly over him, throwing a leg over his hips to settle on top of him. There is barely enough light in the room for Lelouch to see the shape of her breasts, the way her hair flows down her back and over her shoulders, brushing his clothes.

“Subtle, aren't you?” He asks, but he doesn't stop her when she undoes the buttons of his pyjamas, or when she hooks her thumbs on the waistband of his pants to pull them down.

C.C. shrugs and even smiles for a fleeting moment, but it's not a very nice smile, something bitter and ugly waiting behind that smile. Her hand curls around his cock and she strokes him, and Lelouch allows himself to enjoy this, whatever it is.

“I'm not really here to be subtle, am I?” C.C. tells him, and she snorts. “Neither are you, for the matter.”

“I suppose there is no subtle way to change the world,” Lelouch agrees, though the last word is meshed with a gasp as C.C. takes him inside her body.

“Exactly,” she says, and Lelouch would wonder how is it possible for her to be doing this and still sound as if she was bored but then he's busy, curling his arms on her hips and holding on as she moves

-4-

Shirley dies with a promise of love and a smile that stabs him in the chest, tearing a scream from him slowly, so very slowly.

In the life he won't ever have, Lelouch imagines that he would have loved Shirley the way she deserved to be loved. There wouldn't have been lies, no murder, not his sibling's blood on his hands, her father's blood. There wouldn't have been a contract, a war, memories forgotten.

Instead there would have been nothing but a boy, smart and lazy, and a girl, beautiful and sunny, and they would have been friends and perhaps even more.

They would have kissed on a summer day - not on a rainy day, with blood and death tainting this moment - and she would have smiled at him. He would have smiled back, happy and at peace and enjoying the moment for what it was. There wouldn't have been the need to think make plans for later, to use this moment to pretend an innocence he never had. No, in that world, the boy would have had time for this.

In that world, he imagines how it would have been, to be able to caress the curve of her waist to her hip, to kiss her collarbones, hear how she'd moan his name. He imagines following the line of her neck, feeling her breasts against his chest, imagines her hands on him, on his back, his name the way only she could say it.

“I love you,” she would have said after, leaning her head against his shoulder. Perhaps she'd be crying, but it'd be because she was happy. She'd get close to him, hugging him, and the boy would have known that yes, there were some things okay in this world despite it all, some things that couldn't be tainted no matter what.

In that world, he imagines he would have said it back, and he would have meant it. It would have been the beginning, not the end.

Steps behind him.

“Brother?” Rolo's voice.

But in this world, it's already too late for that.

-5-

“Are you sure about this?” Suzaku asks. Lelouch doesn't look away from the window, though Suzaku's reflection against the window is obvious. He has gotten thinner, these past few weeks. Not too much, of course, or his Geass would have taken care for that, but enough that Lelouch feels the ghost of worry hit him.

Never again he'll get that. It's strange the things that make him ache with grief. Paper cranes and ice cream, pizza boxes, text messages with smiley faces in the message. Worrying about Suzaku's well being. It's all ending.

He smiles, closing his eyes.

“It's late,” Lelouch answers, let it be Suzaku who chooses what he meant. It's been a constant discussion, this. Not frequent, not really, but a constant question that Suzaku asks, as if gouging Lelouch's commitment, Lelouch's vow.

“You know you don't have to do this,” Suzaku says, and this time his voice is different, enough so that Lelouch turns to look at him, an eyebrow raised, curious. Suzaku continues: “We can find someone else. A criminal, you just have to Geass him and we'll get a mask or...”

“Would there be a bigger criminal than me?” Lelouch offers with a smile.

Suzaku doesn't flinch, but he does get closer, putting his hands on his shoulders, squeezing. He looks almost afraid, Lelouch thinks.

“You don't have to die, Lelouch,” Suzaku says as if it pained him.

Ah. 'You don't have to become another one of my ghosts' is what Suzaku is saying, and it surprises Lelouch, the fact that he can still feel regret for that. He had thought he had made his peace with that, as it came with Suzaku's acceptance to help him with his death.

But this is something that has to do. Even if he will hang more chains on Suzaku, even though he is effectively killing his best friend, there is no other way.

“I'm sorry,” Lelouch says, because in a few hours he'll be gone, and he has done Suzaku so much wrong.

When he kisses him, Suzaku shudders, just once, as if it hurt him before he kisses back, pressing him hard against the window, as if he just held him tight enough he wouldn't die, as if he just kissed him harder, Lelouch would think better than dying.

But even as he kisses back, as he and Suzaku take off their clothes, Lelouch knows that he made a promise, and he has broken many, many promises already to everyone that ever mattered to him, to all those who once believed in him.

He can't make it better, and he can't just fix things.

So even if he ends up breaking Suzaku, the one person who will know the truth from now on, the only thing he can do is this:

Keep his word and die as the monster that he probably was.